As I walked down the hall from our bedroom back into the living room, I paused. My heart stopped and for a moment I was back in time, seeing eyes I seemed to recognize as they stared back at me. I was looking at my eyes. I was remembering 100 or more plays – all at once – that I’d performed in on a hundred or so different stages. And suddenly I felt so old and tarnished and used up. There on the wall were the two most beautiful set of eyes full of life and passion and joy of the theatre. Looking at not one but both of my children performing in plays, so happy, so full of life, so… naturally gifted at acting.
It might be depressing but… part of having children is the hope that they will climb the mountains we never quite could – or find new mountains to climb that we never even dreamed of. Our children are our hope for a better future and a brighter tomorrow; not so tax reforms and health care might be solved but that maybe we will have produced a better generation of people then we were.
I don’t think about high school much because, well… I think I was an ass. I can’t recall having really impacted anyone’s life for the better. When I bump into an old class mate, I frantically search my mind to see if I did them some kind of wrong. I wasn’t a bad person – for the most part… but I wasn’t a saint. I know that. I was nice but calculatingly cold and distant, knowing there was one person who mattered and it wasn’t you. College was even worse. Add alcohol, ambition and abandonment to no longer desiring to be even good in appearance and I know I left a trail of destruction… but life for the believer isn’t meant to be lived in regrets for regrets get us nowhere, fast.
The beauty of the cross and of Jesus is our chance to throw away our regrets and move into a new life of living and thinking and being. Yet, it’s so hard for us to live in this freshness of God’s eternal Grace. We can accept and perhaps embrace it but truly, we never fully understand the fullness of God’s Grace and it’s many ramifications. Doesn’t it seem just a little TOO good to be true? And that’s because, well… it is. It is in these moments late at night, walking down the hall and catching the joy filled delight in my children’s eyes that my mind switches gears into forward thinking – where I’m not regretting my past but thanking God for my present. When I can trust Him with my future and the futures of my children, I’ve finally begun to acknowledge His Grace and while I may never fully understand it, in this mind-set I can begin to abide within it. I don’t have to understand God’s Grace to walk in it… just so long as I humbly throw myself fully into it’s firm embrace. How can I not praise Christ in this beautiful place? Peace, Sean G.
25 From you comes my praise in the great congregation; my vows I will perform before those who fear him.