That Awkward Silence

Had a conversation with God this morning. As usually, I did most the talking. It was a really good talk, though. That’s what I love about God, you know? He’s a really good listener. Oh, it started with the usually chit – chat, most of which centered around me but I caught myself and eventually began telling God about a few other people I knew…said He might want to check up on them today, maybe help them out with a little peace, maybe even show them there was this great Hope to be found. He laughed and said He’d get right on it for me. Then He said something that took me aback. He said “What about you? You seem to need a little peace this morning.” And it was my turn to laugh!

You know it as well as I do: there’s nothing better then a great conversation, is there? Still, I do hate the fact that my conversations with God always come back around to me, but I really don’t think He minds. Ever notice how difficult it is to end a really good conversation? You’ve said everything you needed to say or wanted to say. You’ve finished all of your stories but neither of you is really ready to hang it up. Personally, I think God never wants to end a conversation with us, but we eventually “remember” all of those “really important things” we have to get back to. We may not WANT to hang up, but really… there’s not much LEFT to say, is there. But what if there was? In that moment of the awkward “hang – up”, I feel regret and finally find myself at a loss for words. “Okay, so… thanks, God. Good talk… uh, have a, uh… good day.” Have a good day? That’s the best sign – off I can come up with? Have a good day. Really. I just told the Almighty to “have a good day”. I’m suddenly very embarrassed, to be honest with you. I could have said “I’m not worthy” or “thanks for not smiting me” or even “You ROCK, God!” but all I can squeak out is a tiny, little “Have a good day” that was probably more question then salutation! AAHHRRGG! Thankfully, God understands that I am socially awkward and not His most articulate creation. He doesn’t mind awkwardness. I doubt He’s even phased when we find ourselves at a loss for words. It probably saddens Him, however; we both know (deep down) that there is still quite a lot TO say… I just don’t have time to either SAY it or HEAR it.

Why does silence scare us so? What about it makes us feel so uncomfortable? I had this thought (after I hung up, of course) that maybe next time in that awkward moment where I had nothing left to say that I could just… listen. You know, maybe let God say a thing or too. I mean, I don’t think there’s anything He’s going to want to get off His chest, but… you never know. He might surprise me. There could be some situation in the world or even in my neighborhood that’s really bugging Him and even though He always makes time to get to everyone, maybe He could use just a little extra help from me… if I was willing. What if there was somebody else that another somebody else had brought to God’s attention in THEIR conversation with God and that first somebody else just so happened to be somebody that I actually knew. Maybe God might want me to deliver them a personal message from Him. You know, like… “Hang in there” or “You’re doing a great job” or just a simple “I love you: from God”. Hmm. That’s probably why I flee the awkward silence. I promise you, it’s not completely intentional – at least… not consciously. But my heart betrays itself (like it always does) because within my heart, it most certainly IS intentional. My heart can play stupid, but it’s no dummy. It knows EXACTLY what it’s doing! I hang up in that awkward silence because I don’t want to hear what God has to say; I’m afraid to hear what God might have to say! I know, I know…I’m a horrible person. Believe me I’m not proud about this. It’s just scary when God speaks. It shouldn’t be but that silence is frightening never the less. You never can be sure of what will follow from out of the silence.

I can’t condone silence. It just seems so… unnatural. You see, I haven’t conditioned my heart to embrace silence. I haven’t conditioned my heart to wait within that silence. So my conditioned heart doesn’t know how to trust – in – silence. I might be pleasantly surprised to find anxiety changed into anticipation if I can somehow learn to recondition my heart. The heart goes where the heart knows so retrain your heart to wait patiently for God’s voice to break through that silence. Expect to hear His voice. Look forward to hearing His voice. Relish the sound His voice makes as it breaks through the silence. And trust that when your ears do not hear, He still speaks. I know my heart doesn’t always hear His voice. It asks for directions then hangs up before hearing the address! Before God can even reply I’ve already hung up. What am I thinking? How logical is THAT?!

What… is He suppose to e-mail messages, or instructions to me? Is He going to leave me a yellow “Luv Ya! Mean It!” post – it? I think God is old – school. I honestly don’t think He has an e-mail account set up. I don’t think God really needs an I – Phone or a Crack – Berry or has a fax machine. He is a personal God, that’s just how He rolls. He’s all about the whole “word of mouth” way of doing things!

To my (very limited) knowledge God has never had a dropped call. He doesn’t take messages (When you answer every call, what’s the point of an answering machine?). He’s had plenty of callers probably hang – up on Him. But personally speaking, my fear seems a bit unfounded when I stop to consider that I have never left a conversation with God NOT encouraged, NOT empowered or feeling anything LESS then wholly Loved. What possibilities could lie within that wonderful, awkward moment of silence? I wonder… And what is there, really, for me to be so afraid of? After all… we were just having a really good conversation.                                                Sean Gutteridge